Best Man's Speech

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen - I'm Neil and I have the pleasure of being here today as Best Man. I'd like to start by thanking Justin on behalf of the bridesmaids for his kind words. [TOAST THE BRIDESMAIDS].

I'd also like to thank him for building your expectation of my speech to a level which I cannot possibly achieve.

Typical - it's the first time Justin has bought me dinner and I was too nervous to eat it.

I'm not an experienced public speaker so I find it easier to read the speech word for word. In fact I've practised it almost daily for about a week and a half now so that I know it very well. It's a tip I read in a book about public speaking. I've also been drinking profusely over the last two hours. I made that tip up myself.

Apparently, my main duty is to give you all an introduction to the groom. This part of the best man’s speech is usually just an excuse to demolish the grooms good character. Now I have given this some thought about this and I don’ t see any reason to break with tradition. But it's actually not that easy because Justin is a nice chap; he obeys hosepipe bans, he pays his TV licence and he recycles - so there is not much I can embarrass him with.

However, he does have a few quirks! And if you know Justin well you will be already be familiar with them. But for those of you on Jayne's side who are just getting to know him - be on the look out for the following 'odd' behaviour this evening.

1. Jumping on people's feet. Of course Justin calls it dancing and he's perfected the non - rhythm method. The head looks one way, the body another and the feet kick out. I can only liken it to a bad English version of 'Riverdance'.

2. Frowning during photographs. Although I must admit he did raise a smile when his picture was taken outside this afternoon. Probably because this is the first wedding he has been to where he could walk out without putting any money on the plate.

3. Vanishing into thin air. There could be four reasons for this:

·     He’s gone to the toilet, where he spends half of his life, then coming back out rubbing his belly and giving anyone around a blow by blow account of what has just taken place in there.

·     It is his round at the bar.

·     Any other situation where it might be deemed necessary for him to have to get his wallet out! 

·     He’s pinching himself to see if this has all been a dream. And who can blame him? Today he’s married Jayne who looks absolutely stunning - and the nice thing is - she’s as lovely on the inside as she is on the outside.

I think all went well this morning getting Justin ready for his big day. The condemned man ate a solid, hearty breakfast and arrived here sober and on time. My only disappointment would have to be in failing to arrange his last request as a single man - due to strong protests from the do-gooders at the Sheep Welfare Council.

It really is an honour to be Justin’s best man because to me Justin Blundell is one of the best men I know. He is truly a quality individual, a great friend and lifelong confidant. We were always together when we were younger and we were more like brothers. In fact, my mother tried to register him on her family allowance - she had to try and recoup some of the money she spent feeding him somehow.

Justin was a fun loving happy child, always smiling mischievously and getting most of his fun from taking the tyres off toy cars. How little did he know that many years later he would again be trying to remove a tyre - albeit the one around his waist so he could fit into his wedding suit.

Mind you as Justin grew up, it was clear we were very different. Whatever I did he did the opposite. I liked Fords, he liked Fiats. I went for blondes, he went for brunettes. I liked girls............ anyway, you get the picture.

In the 35 years I have known Justin, yes Sandra it is that long (Justin’s mum). We have been through a lot together - Guinness, bitter, lager, most spirits, a few wigs, the occasional inflatable sheep, but mainly lots of fun and friendship for which I am very thankful.

When Justin and Jayne announced they were getting married, I could not have been more pleased. He topped it off for me, of course, when he asked me to be his Best Man.

Justin, I would like to say that you are my oldest dearest friend. We have been through some bad times and we have been through a lot of good times. Your friendship has been a source of strength to me throughout the years and I want to say that it has been an honour and a privilege to stand beside you today, so thank you.

TOAST

On behalf of the bride and groom I would like to thank everyone for sharing their special day.

So then, Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me immense pleasure, not to mention relief, to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to Justin and Jayne .